Customer Service... Or Lack Thereof

You know where this is going.  Not too long ago, I made a move from San Francisco back down to the peninsula to save a little cash and be closer to work.  I mapped out every scenario and weighed the pros and cons of moving back to the peninsula and still decided that it would be best for me.  I was happy with my decision until I realized one thing.  I would be forced to deal with the company that has caused more people to slit their wrists in agony while on the phone with one of its trained professionals... COMCAST.  Mind you, I had my issues with AT&T U-Verse, but they were at least easy to talk to on the phone when I had an issue (which was about once a week).  My first task - Get a cable card for my TiVo HD.

I will spare you the details of what it took to actually get the card (20 mile drive to the "nearest" Comcast location and calling my landlord to recite the last four of his SSN two times).  So I get home eager to pop in the cable card and get it paired with my TiVo HD.  I call and deal with the voice recognition prompter that can't understand a damn thing I'm saying, and only gives me an option to enter the telephone number where the service is located (WELL WE DON'T HAVE A PHONE NUMBER).  Finally it asks me if I want to enter my account number (of course I know this by heart).  After pressing "0#" like eight times, I get transfered to a live person.  This would have been awesome, except I must have had my call answered by the dumbest of all of the dumb customer service employees in all of cable television.  Yes... THE ENTIRE WORLD OF CABLE TELEVISION. Maybe they figured because I couldn't follow the directions on the phone that they would pair me with someone of equal mental capacity.  Here's how the call went.

Cable Dude: "Thank you for calling Comcast...what can I do for you today"

Me:  "I'd like to get my cable card connected to my TiVo."

Cable Dude: "Ok, well do you have a TiVo?"

Me: "Yes I do" (but thinking I should have said.. No, dumbass, I just called and thought it would be a funny prank to play on you)

Cable Dude: "Well I need your data and host number so I can help you."

Me: "It's not showing up on the screen.  Should I restart my system?"

Cable Dude: "Yes. While you do that, can I put you on hold?"

Me: "Sure." (as I restart my system)

So I proceed to restart my system which takes about five minutes, and about four mintues into the wait the cable dude lets me know that I should call back after I get the numbers.

Me: "Um... can you just wait one more minute.  I don't want to have to go back through that automated system."

Cable Dude: "We're really busy here and I need to get off the phone"

Me: "Well, can you at least let me know if I can bypass the automated system?" (thinking... Yeah.. you're busy dealing with a customer who needs help)

Cable Dude: "I just work here, I've never actually called Comcast, so I don't know."

Me:  "Ok it's cool, man.  I'll just call back. (thinking... It's never the right answer to say... "I JUST WORK HERE"  A simple "No" would have definitely keep my blood pressure below unsafe levels).

Cable Dude: "Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

Me: "Ummm, yeah. You can stay on the phone and... you know what... just forget it."

After two more calls to Comcast I finally got my cable card pair with TiVo and was able to view Sportscenter before going to bed.  Damn, I should have pressed 1 to take the brief survey after my call.  At any rate, I truly believe that Comcast's customer service mantra can be summed up very easily by the following illustration.

Comcast doesn't give a $hit about anyone.  If there were an award for pissing people off, Comcast would be the undisputed champion of the universe.  I have been working really hard at becoming a more forgiving and patient person, but these folks have led me to the conclusion that everyone in heaven has Direct TV. I have put Comcast employees on the same level as meter maids and people who kick dogs.

So while I'm forced to use Comcast as my cable provider for now,I can promise you (and I encourage all of you to do the same) that if given the choice, I will choose something else.

I urge you to take the time to listen to the mix for this one.  It didn't take me long to find the songs that described the feelings about my relationship with Comcast.

Comcast Mix

A Word To The Stanford Tree

I get it... You're supposed to be funny.  But there is a difference between being laughed at, and being able to make people laugh.  I'd like to argue that The Tree excels in the former.  As a graduate of Leland Stanford Junior University (organized 1891....GO CARDINAL!!!) I have had to defend The Tree on many occasions, but for what?  First, of all, we are the Stanford Cardinal (the color not the bird, so if you see a lone Stanford person, or any number of Stanford people together, they are "CARDINAL" and not "CARDINALS" as many people mistakenly state), not the Stanford Trees.  The tree is the band's mascot and I'm not even going to open the can of worms that is the Leland Stanford Junior University Marching Band.  :-)  Since I am stuck with my outcast of an arboreal cousin, I believe it is my duty to give you the one hint that will keep other people from making fun of you (and me for being associated with you).

LEARN HOW TO DANCE!

I'm not talking about that hopping and twisting routine that you're known for (see below).

WTF WAS THAT??!!??  Everyone watching is now a worse dancer having viewed that video.  You are awarded no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.  - 0/10

A mascot should really be able to dance.  In fact I'd like to argue that there is nothing more funny than dancing mascots.  Something about all that plush fabric moving rhythmicly makes the corners of my mouth reach for the sky.  To show you what I mean, I've added some examples, scored on a 10pt scale.  Watch all of them and if you are not smiling by the end there is an icebox where your heart used to be.

Well look at that... A little rythym, plus bonus points for the robot (even if you're a cell phone) - 7/10

 

I don't know many people in real life that can dance this well.  Bonus for the crumpin' - 9.5/10

 

Apparently, the food sucks at Jollibee, but if they promise this dancing mascot will be there, I'd do all three meals there.  A dancing bee with flirtatious facial expressions - 10/10

 

So I hope that this note reaches this year's Tree.  I've even provided you with a mix to get you started - Dance Tree Dance Mix

Put that on, go in your room, and practice... HARD.

 

 

 

Shaved... Not Bald!!

A couple of weeks ago, I got an email that nearly broke my heart.  My favorite spot in San Francisco, MR. The Barbershop, was closing its doors.  Not only was I upset from the loss, but I was desperately in need of a haircut.  So after two years of rocking the 360 waves, I've decided to go back to shaving my head.

The advantages of the move are clear are easy to identify.

1.  All of my old fitted-hats are the correct size again

2.  I never have to worry about my hair being messed up (most people couldn't tell when my hair was messed up before)

3.  I have replaced a $1,000+ annual membership at MR. with a $60 pair of clippers and whatever it costs me in extra Mach-3 razors.

4.  I don't have to buy shampoo anymore

 

It's the disadvantages of my new hair-(or lack thereof) style that I want to discuss.

1.  My head gets cold - Living in San Francisco, I find that I'm almost forced to wear a hat at all times.  Though I enjoy rocking a fresh fitted cap I need to build my inventory of headwear up to the point where I feel like I have a hat for every outfit.  Yeah... I said that.

2.  Fear - Admit it... the scariest thing to see at night is a bald brotha with a goatee.  It's cool during the daytime when I'm spotted in the context of doing my regular 9-5 job, but at night I'm nothing more than a dark stranger (this was proven many times in b-school while walking on campus at night).  It's like I turn into this guy at night.

3.  Doppleganger - I now will be told that I look like every bald black  guy on TV.  I'm not sure if I like this better than being told that I look like every black guy with hair, but the fear factor may give the advantage to the 360 waves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Bald vs. Shaved - Many men shave their heads once they start going bald, and now I will be assumed to be in the same category.  For the record, my head is shaved, not bald.  THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

 

So here is a mix from a bunch of bald-headed hip-hop artist.  I'm not sure if they are bald or shaved but I bet if you see one of these cats in a dark alley, you'll go the other way.

BALDHEADZ MIX

 

 

 

 

The Great American Long-Back... ENHANCED

Ahhh, the good old "before" and "after" shot, brought to you by an up and coming company that is sweeping the nation - BOOTY POP PANTIES.  All I have to say is WTF!!??  As an aficionado of hind parts, I have to say, that this product is a waste of time and money for all of you seeking posterior enhancement.  For some reason, the experts think this garbage has promise.

They think booty-pop panties are a hit!!!  I beg to differ.  Since Dave Chappelle is no longer making hilarious sketches, I'm going to step up and say exactly what he would about the panel of experts depicted above.  There is not a single black male on the panel!!! We've been liking booty since the dawn of day, and I'm sure we would have a good opinion on the efficacy of such a product.  I'd take Warren Buffet's advice about investing, but I wouldn't ask him about booty.  Just like I wouldn't put my 401k in the hands of Sir Mix-A-Lot.

I have an idea... how about you do some squats and lunges?  The only thing these underwear are good for, is cushioning your backside from a fall.  Yes, the model's after picture looks better than the before one, but is she really going to walk around with her back arched and her hips pushed back all day (that can't be comfortable)?  Go ahead and put your booty pops in the same box with your Shamwow and your Ped Egg.

Who are the founders kidding when they speak about the target demographic?  This is targeted at women without butts, who like men, who like more full butts (YOU DO THE MATH ON THAT ONE... I'm not spelling it out any clearer than that).   Just listen to today's rap music.  There are more songs about butts than there are about rims, bling, and money put together.  What do most rappers look like?  Hmmmm.

The term Badonkadonk (or Badunkadunk) was coined in 2001 by Keith Murray in his return to the mic on FATTY GIRL.  No, it was not Spoonie Luv from above, nor Dave Chappelle who coined the term (though that's when most of you heard it).  Of course I found out this week that Steve Jobs is an aficionado of booty as well.  When attempting to type badunkadunk on my IPhone, I got halfway through (B-A-D-U-N-K) and my IPhone auto-filled badunkadunk for me.  My name is DJ 2degrees, and I'm a Mac.  In honor of Steve Jobs and Keith Murray, I hope you enjoy listening to the Ode2booty mix.

Watch out brothas... the Great American Long-Back has a new trick up her sleeve.